Emotional Baggage

wpid-wp-1436197153764.jpegIs your partner failing to meet your needs, not making you happy, are you drifting apart?

Are new relationships failing?

Maybe some of the cause of your problems is the amount of emotional baggage you are carrying that is impacting on your behaviour and your expectations.

How much emotional baggage are you carrying ?

Is emotional baggage impacting on a relationship, or stopping you making that new relationship successfully?

To make space in your life for a new relationship or to improve your current one, its time to start releasing anything you’ve been holding on to that is preventing you from experiencing true intimacy(baggage). Identifying those issues and working to eradicate them will bring you to a level of self-awareness that will give you insight, flexibility, and freedom, making you much more available for  satisfying relationships.  Heard the phrase  someone has “too much baggage” to be ready for a committed, connected relationship, its true. We have a set of beliefs about ourselves and others that we have gathered over the years many learned in childhood, these beliefs we use consciously and unconsciously to live our lives. The problem is that some of these truisms, beliefs …are negatives and some are actually untrue but we believe in them and they colour our actions and attitudes as we go about the daily grind.

Baggage isn’t always what we think it is. It isn’t necessarily our circumstances, our past, or even the issues we’re currently working with. Baggage is often just a lack of flexibility about accepting whatever is showing up in our life or someone else’s and therefore an inability to move forward.

We all have baggage. What’s important is recognizing our baggage and minimizing its effects on our relationships.

An underlying feeling of emptiness, loneliness, or longing is something many, if not most, of us have experienced at one time or another. No matter how rich our lives may be, with a satisfying career, material wealth, and plenty of friends, we may still be carrying around a low-level feeling that something important is missing. This can be made worse by negative thoughts about our lives.

The place many of us turn  to in order to address our feeling of incompleteness, is our  relationships.

Great you are saying, I find my other half ,my soul mate and everything will be hunky dorey. Maybe…but if all it takes is to find the significant other , why are so many relationships rocky? Is it that many of us have not  found the right fit, or is it the baggage that one or both of us is carrying that is impeding harmony.

Our  significant other can only offer us acknowledgment, encouragement, approval, acceptance, they cannot make us feel complete and whilst we have our baggage it will  never be enough to end our feelings of dissatisfaction of wanting.

Once we realize that a partner is not going to be the one to make us happy or give us everything we think we need to be complete, we’re likely to feel disappointed, discouraged, and maybe even resentful.

We often unknowingly drag a suitcase full of problems into a new relationship, drop them at our partner’s feet, and say, “Fix these for me!”

The way out of this trap is to make a commitment to ‘being the one’ who will address your own issues,to be honest with yourself and look at the roots of your ideas, prejudices and behaviour. When you no longer need your partner’s validation, then any encouragement, love, or guidance your partner does offer you will be their very best, given freely and from a place of love. When validation is no longer the primary reason you’re in a relationship, you can explore, enjoy, and appreciate everything that relationship has to offer.

Friendship

A permanent smile on my face
When we meet touch base
Our interactions somewhere in space
My mind’s touch to trace
Your image ingrained
Deep in the terrain
Of the recesses of my brain
Your conversation and charm never constrained
When I think of you
I try and decide
Which way will our friendship go
Much better this I know
Just to let it flow
Keeping the goal in sight
Let what is meant to be
Naturally unfold for us to see

what is a girl to do?

Be it theatre ,concert or in a tent
When you need the loo
There is always a queue
You stand in line
Contemplate crime
Why does it take so long
When there is a throng
For women to pee
Its way beyond me
What else to do
When you want the loo
Behind a tree
People will see
Need to squat
Better not
Its so unfair
There is a gents over there
no queue
Whats a girl to do??

Talking …Listening…Connecting

I was talking to nobody
And nobody listened
The depth of the words
Were shallow unheard
When they met the right ears
They dispelled all my fears
Letting go of buried sighs
Finding friendship a surprise
In cyber Floating unfocused
The pull of interest potent
The conversation Clouded by lust
Well laced with trust
Adventures played out
No concerns no doubts
Emotions held in check
Friendship the deal, what the heck
The pattern changes
Through interesting stages
Laughter caring and sharing
Some soul baring
Makes me glad we met

Ruminations on beliefs

I discovered a secret so true today
It made be stop and rethink my philosophy
We all need affection a connection
To be appreciated and to stop misdirection
Misdirection that maybe stunts our growth
That we use in our world to hold back our feelings
Or maybe to stop the status quo from unreeling
Our beliefs we can change with a fight and struggleIMG_20150619_200636
If we recognise they are outmoded are causing us trouble
We make excuses for not taking action
Because maybe morally it causes dissension

A view of Cyberspace Relationships

rhrhrehRelationships

We met on a word game in cyberspace
We got on well we bonded and chased
We talked and shared our lives our schemes
Hard to remember it is a fantasy, a dream
For we only know the other, from the information they have shared
They will have kept secrets though their soul seems to be bared
We see their lives from their point of view
Not a rounded version from others too
We found an oasis from lifes woes and cares
We are indulging in a cyber affair
We share great intimacy its exotic erotic
But its words and pictures its only symbolic
It revs up our hormones and gives us a thrill
Feels so real ,our needs to fulfill
It floats us away on an idealistic dream
When we mutually cum its so good we scream
We find so much in common it gives us a high
We see the nice bits not the grumps or the cry
We have to balance this wonderful time
To avoid these friendships would be a crime
But the real world comes first has to be the case
Fantasy is just that, it has a place
Enjoy the moments the tingle and the fun
If your emotions are entangled,it’s time to run
Understand the rules keep them in mind
Otherwise heart break will find you in time

Converging Lives Meet Rick

Meet Rick from Converging Lives one of the main protagonists…

An adrenaline junky, loves extreme sport

Married to an older woman…he was her toyboy….

Always, since first sexually aware, drawn to older women

He has a big appetite for extra marital scores, but doesn’t want to lose marriage perks and still cares for Gillian.

He no longer really  desires or feels in tune with her wants…she  seems to have lost interest in sex and adventure.

Golfing friend told about cyber…

Experimenting, learning, having some good laughs

Handsome, over six feet tall,dark hair…going slightly grey….beautiful eyes….draws women to him

Articulate and charming. Whilst very much at home with men, camaraderie and bonding are important to him. His communication style is very in tune with the female psychic which women particularly like.

He’s getting a little addicted to the cyber scene.

Spending more and more time in cyber

Likes the thrill of the chase, loves the new encounters …loves to feel he is giving the woman pleasure…..likes to be available and to share pleasure with the woman when she asks….. this is causing him problems, disturbing his sleep…causing him to take risks at home….what is the belief that is driving this need???

Virtual Relationships the start of the Debate

reality 

Definitions

noun

(plural) -ties

  1. the state of things as they are or appear to be, rather than as one might wish them to be
  1. something that is real
  1. the state of being real
  1. (philosophy)
    1. that which exists, independent of human awareness
    1. the totality of facts as they are, independent of human awareness of them See also conceptualism Compare appearance (sense 6)
  1. See in reality

fantasy or phantasy

Definitions

noun

(plural) -sies

  1. imagination unrestricted by reality
  2. (as modifier)   ⇒a fantasy world
  1. a creation of the imagination, esp a weird or bizarre one
  2. (psychology)
  1. a series of pleasing mental images, usually serving to fulfil a need not gratified in reality
  2. the activity of forming such images
  1. a whimsical or far-fetched notion
  2. an illusion, hallucination, or phantom
  3. a highly elaborate imaginative design or creation

http://www.collinsdictionary.com

So the fantasy relationship is something outside of normal reality. Ok the interaction feels solid enough, your imagination helps makes it feel pretty real and because It is intense communication, usually the body reacts ,as if in a real time relationship,  situation. The trouble is you are getting a picture of the person from their point of view of the world, you see the person as they present themselves. We all want to present ourselves in the best possible light and try to hide our flaws, idiosyncrasies and intolerances and as for our bad habits… hey do we really have any?  We  maybe do that at the start of a lot of relationships real or virtual so what is the big deal. In a virtual relationship it is easier to edit the truth to select the information being supplied to leave out whole chunks and where information about somebody is sparse then our minds fill in the gaps painting a picture adding on qualities or behaviours that work with our view of the world. There is also an issue with virtual communication, things are out of context, no visual cues if you are texting or emailing, what is sent and what you read may not have the same meaning, therefore misunderstandings are likely to happen. People in lots of situations edit the truth and in a virtual relationship it is very easy to do, so send a picture of a younger self, or have that as an avatar, profess to be doing things that one is not .

People are going to say ah yes but over time you get to know the person and yes to a degree you do, you may learn of the frustrations and hurt happening with an ongoing partner but if you could view the story from the other persons point of view how different would it be? Your virtual buddy might demonstrate anger about something, but you are getting the words not seeing the emotions in practice, is that person scary, aggressive, petulant or sulky when angry? What are they like when they are down or grumpy, it may well be you only ever interact with them when they are in a good mood, or bored because at other times they probably don’t bother with virtual communication. What about those bad habits that are integral to our personae? The good thing is personal cleanliness and halitosis are not a problem in the virtual world!

There are going to be lots of great things about friends in cyberspace, those that enjoy the same hobbies and pastimes, that have the same political and ideological views, people you can discuss, debate and have a meaningful conversation with. So potentially really rewarding, if kept in balance with the fact it’s a virtual relationship you are having. If you are in a cyber relationship or thinking of embarking on  one you need to think through what you want from the relationship, are you doing it because you are missing emotional support in the real world, You are looking for love, you are in an unhappy relationship and this is balm or maybe a way out? Are you looking for intimacy? Or are you just finding new people to interact with to fill times of boredom when nothing better is available in the real world? If you are not clear you can fall in love with your perfect virtual soul mate. relationships. 

I suggested to somebody that they should be clear about what they wanted and articulate that because the way his virtual affair was going somebody was going to be very badly hurt. I was told he was not a robot; it didn’t work like that he couldn’t think through and be clear about what he wanted. Others say oh we play it by ear and are then are shocked when the other party suddenly wants exclusivity, gets jealous wants more time.

I hope this may generate some debate. More to follow