Thinking about how we write poetry.

This poem was written and posted for critique with no editing prior to posting and it shows, it has some strengths that need enhancing in order to make this a poem of strength.

Life is as colorful as sunset rainbow
I noticed that in the glow of your eyes
the spark of your alabaster teeth
a caption in my head for another Day.

What if the DAY wasn’t a bubble blast
if I could hold the hands of time by its edge
the hugs, smooches on the checks and giggles
a page in my diary dressed with petals.

Love is real, its real and true
the note on my blacklist board I failed to admit
a soft tinkles and touches of your smiles
takes me on a journey down the aisle.

Love is a valley of perfection
happiness, laughter and merry-ment
two steps at a time might make you flip
been buckling my shoes to climb over again.

This has some good imagery but its superfical so you love her everything is wonderful. Why should I the reader care? Would I save this to read again? Probably not. Does it stir emotion in me? Not really. I know I am a hard romantic task master. Has it got lines that stay in my head? Make me think?
Stanza 1 uses some nice visual clues shes got bright eyes and a glow in her eyes, the rainbow a symbol for happiness bit we dont really see this lady or what this love is.

I think stanza 2 is the strongest stanza and shows their interactions and shows he thinks they are important.

This is one of those poems that centres around the poets thoughts but doesn’t really engage the reader enough.

Give this to a particular young lady I am sure she would love it, it would make her feel special and would make her smile for a week. But as a poem for a general reader it could work harder.

But if you are putting this out as a poem to enthall readers its not strong enough.
This is too general too abstract.
There is more telling rather than showing.
Who are this couple?
What makes him love her?
What is different about their relationship than thousands of others?

What it would be good to do is to find a way to show this love maybe in one incident that shows the love in action. Or more detail of the couple. Why they are in love and how their love manifests. Make us really see the love the bond that draws them together.

Compare it to this poem on the same theme.

Before You Came
Faiz Ahmed Faiz – 1911-1984

Before you came,

things were as they should be:

the sky was the dead-end of sight,
the road was just a road,
wine merely wine.

Now everything is like my heart,

a color at the edge of blood:
the grey of your absence,
the color of poison,
of thorns,
the gold when we meet, the season ablaze,
the yellow of autumn, the red of flowers, of flames,
and the black when you cover the earth
with the coal of dead fires.

And the sky, the road, the glass of wine?
The sky is a shirt wet with tears,

the road a vein about to break,

and the glass of wine a mirror
in which
the sky, the road,
the world keep changing.

Don’t leave now that you’re here—
Stay.
So the world may become like itself again:
so the sky may be the sky,
the road a road,
and the glass of wine not a mirror, just a glass of wine.

Both poems use colour to instill imagery but in different ways. The second specifically used red and grey ..gold and red and using the colours to indicate feelings of love and loss, the first is showing the rainbow for happiness which is good but lacks the depth of imagery of the second. . Look at the metaphors and imagery in the second poem the use of the sky the wine and the road to demonstrate feelings.

The first poem will make a good poem if edited and rewritten the poet needs to find that story.

We know little of the story of the second poem either but we do have a picture of a love that brings happiness and sadness and is perhaps unstable. Will she stay with him as he wants will they be happy? We don’t know we have to decide for ourselves but I can picture that relationship clearly.

What do you think?

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