Relationships. Replacing limiting behaviours.

We enter into a relationship as an independent individual who chooses to spend time with another independent individual. Then suddenly the couple identity takes over, it’s not cool to do things separately we become  bound together, to such a degree that sometimes, one member of the partnership, will not make decisions without referring to the other. Whilst it’s true that some decisions need to be consensual, partners should also be free to make their own choices.
Our lives should not revolve round our partners, to the degree that we obsess about what they are doing, when they are not with us. We should not worry about who they are talking to, what is motivating them. We should not imprison them in a relationship but rather set them free to continue to grow and develop. A true partnership in a relationship gives each individual freedom. 
Where there is a loving, nurturing, relationship allowing each partner, to freely grow and develop as life evolves. Then that relationship will be happy and healthy and continually evolving too.

Instead of bringing limiting behaviours into our relationships we need to bring expansive behaviours

Each individual needs to recognise that no other person can be responsible for another’s happiness, this has to come from within. People can journey alongside and enhance the feelings of happiness, but cannot take responsibility for another’s happiness.

Individuals understand that their partners enhance them, they do not complete them,  they are already complete. If they feel incomplete they need to work on that and not use a partner as a crutch.

Each individual is responsible for their own decisions,choices, beliefs and judgements.

Partners understand  that being in a relationship is a choice  both make.

Partners celebrate, having their unique partner, in their lives.

Each individual supports the development needs, of the other. Even if this feels like a stressful thing to do.

Partners stay grounded and find time together even at the busiest times.

Each individual tries to be objective in their vision of themselves and their partner accepting the other as they are.

Partners talk to each other and share, values, news and issues non judgementally.

The relationship is a safe loving space for self discovery.

There is a space for independence as well as togetherness.

Adopting such strategies and ditching limiting strategies can give you the relationship you always craved for.  Fulfilling,  happy, harmonious both partners feeling that life is getting better rather than stale and boring.
If that is your relationship congratulations, keep working at it.
If your relationship is static or deteriorating then you need to start to make some changes in how you think and interact.

Limiting behaviours in Relationships.

New relationship ,wow exciting, major interaction  validation, on a high,  sexual tension. Feeling special don’t  need anything more.

Established relationship, life moves on less interaction,  less validation, less excitement less sexual tension. Still a loving partner but they are no longer fulfilling all your needs.Or are they beginning to irritate the hell out of you  cease to meet your expectations.

What training have you had for making a successful relationship?
Likely scenarios are: 
Observing your parents? Their friends? Watching films? Reading a book? Reading magazine articles. Watching TV.
Do any of these things really enable us to form healthy happy relationships, or are we groping in the dark? Do you think there is no issue if you love somebody then things can’t  go wrong.

This basis for a  relationship is unstable,  and we  try to establish some foundations maybe with rules and agreements,  explicit, informal, or unspoken. We think that if we lay down the right foundations  in the beginning, we’ll be able to keep the early romantic lustre and our partners will keep validating us and meeting all our needs. Unfortunately that might well not be the case.

What assumptions about relationships did you and your partner bring into your relationship? Are you even aware of the biases you hold?

Rules, agreements and assumptions = Expectations.

Expectations, spoken or unspoken can cause major harm to a relationship,  expectations about behaviour, friends, sharing of chores, roles, sex. You can add to this list.

Expectations and assumptions can cause us to exhibit limiting behaviours.

Here are a few limiting behaviours within a relationship how many can you tick?

We discourage our partners from trying new things, if they don’t appeal to us.A  new opportunity might leave us behind, and they might  find something more exciting, than we are offering.

We stop fully listening because we think we have heard it all before.

We assign blame to our partner when we think they are not meeting our needs.

We get embarrassed or angry if our partner speaks or acts in a way that we feel reflects badly on us.

We use blackmail techniques to ensure our partner meets our expectations  be it manipulation, anger, or making them feel guilty.

We become jealous if our partner gives attention to others, especially has conversations with somebody of the opposite sex.

We are quick to blame,  criticise and judge,  and jump to conclusions.

We become irritated and angry if our partner behaves in ways we consider inappropriate.Particularly if we think this behaviour devalues us.

We stop finding quality time to spend with our partner.

We belittle our partner often in company.

We are indifferent to our partners, thoughts and actions, we cease nurturing their dreams. We may even discourage them.

All these behaviours can cause a partner to withdraw into themselves, become less open and show us only what we want to see. As the relationship changes, becomes less loving, more based on fear of change . We presume that this is the nature of relationships, decline is inevitable, more often than not. This is what we have  seen,  relationships that have grown apart. This is  often the model we have been immersed into.

Do you use any of the above?
Are you squeezing the life out  of what was a good partnership?
Is this the behaviour of your partner?
Is there a way to replace limiting behaviours?
Of course there are ways and if you have identified relationship limiting issues, you have started the journey. See the next article for replacement behaviours to regain a more balanced relationship.

Assumptions in relationships. Snippet 2

The knowledge shared, about the each other , by partners is one of the most wonderful aspects of a close, long-term relationship. It is an issue , though, when we begin to think we know everything about our partner. We make assumptions about what they are thinking  and fail to see the progressive changes, as they, like us continually grow and develop. We then interact on a faulty premise which can harm the the long term viability of the relationship.

Finding the way to a more fulfilled Relationship. 1.

Knowing how to find something positive in a truly negative looking situation  is the way to find inner happiness.  Inner happiness enables more fulfilled relationships.

Most of us want of a deeply connected relationship that grows better and more intimate with time. We believe that our twin soul is out there somewhere if only we could find them. If our present relationships are not giving the connections we crave, we may continue looking, searching yearning for the perfect partner. For most of us, though, the perfect  relationship won’t suddenly appear as if by magic, we may already have it, but have just lost sight of it, or we are,maybe, still be searching. Lifelong compatibility takes work, once the first thrill and excitement burn away, we need to maintain and build on what we have.
The work we need to do  has to be mainly on ourselves and how we interact in our relationships. We can’t leave it to fate, or our significant others. There are changes we can make right now, that will allow a more fulfilled relationship experience into our lives.
If life was just about finding the ideal mate, going with  love at first sight, no further work to be done then divorces should be less and more people should be enjoying healthier, happier relationships.

Often though, that seemingly ideal match will begin to lose its shine over time, particularly if both people aren’t developing and nurturing qualities, that will continually breathe new life into their relationship. What we can never do, is directly change the other person, in order to have the sort of relationship we want, we have to work on the issues within our own sphere of influence.  There are things in our own characters we don’t admit to, or  that  we don’t want others to see, or issues…beliefs  buried in our subconscious, that we are unaware of. Any of these things can get between us and our relationships. They can stop us dealing effectively with the issues in many spheres of our lives. Uncovering and acknowledging self-defeating behaviour, or recognizing when we are being manipulative, blaming, or judgmental, can be difficult. Rather than disguising or burying  fears, we need to  make an effort to draw them out so we can explore and understand them. People who approach life in a spirit of discovery know that every experience and interaction can help them in their pursuit to see themselves more clearly and ultimately to feel happier.

ln order to get the best from life and relationships, we need the awareness to let go of unnecessary judgments and expectations about the world and what happens in it.  Trying to be open, not judgemental , can help us to be receptive to others opinions even if we don’t  agree with them . This doesn’t mean adopting an artificially positive attitude or denying what’s happening or what we are feeling. It means continually growing in our ability to accept what is, including what’s happening and what we are feeling. Being able to apply  this attitude to our relationships enables them to grow and be dynamic. If we can rein in having numerous expectations about what other people should or shouldn’t do, approach everyone with openness and receptivity  this can help you to see the situation from a different view point.
This one change in thinking and acting in our primary relationships can change a miserable experience into an amazing one.

With every situation we encounter ,we have choices in how we respond, we can respond from a place of resistance or from a place of acceptance. When we are in resistance mode we feel instant irritation, frustration or anger. We may speak out harshly, bitterly,try to futility stem the unstoppable tide.These attitudes will also profoundly effect how our experience unfolds.

Accepting what is happening right now , does not imply we are happy with a situation or that we condone it, or stop trying to improve it. It just means we don’t  waste our energies in a negative response, instead we utilise our resources in a positive manner.
Stuck in a traffic jam, irritated, angry blood pressure raised, won’t  change the fact, centre yourself use the time to relax  plan for the future, get some unexpected me time. Use the same techniques in relationship issues.

To enable openness you need to put aside your natural resistance, if you  feel resistance in yourself to anything; ideas, situations, events, or people: this question will help you break through that resistance and find ways to make the most of what you’re experiencing. What is there for me to learn here? What can I change? This can shift your focus from everything’s wrong, but it’s nothing to do with me to; to things are not right but what are the possibilities here.

All very well, you may say, I am not the one causing the issues, l am the victim of the situation. But you can only work on your feelings and your reactions and by doing so, you can change your behaviour from a negative to a positive response. Or learn how to deal with issues in a more productive way.

In order to get the best from life, people with well-developed responses know that even the most challenging circumstances, situations, or people have something of value to offer. This isn’t being naive or unrealistic. It’s the simple recognition that things won’t always go our way. Schedules change, cars and computers eventually need repair, and at some point we’re going to encounter long lines, rudeness, or rush-hour traffic. These people know that their experience of these events is directly linked to how they approach them. We need to be one of those people.

Searching for potentially positive aspects or outcomes in the midst of a difficult situation doesn’t deny the seriousness of the circumstances or any pain or grief you and others might be experiencing. On the contrary—focusing on the positive may well give you (and everyone involved) encouragement, confidence, and strength. Qualities like these are very beneficial in the face of challenging circumstances. Remember to look for the positive aspects in each situation you encounter.

When someone expresses an opinion that’s different from yours, ask yourself. What is there for me to learn, here? This will greatly reduce the need to justify your position or defend yourself in some way. Instead, you’re likely to find yourself authentically connecting with this person and genuinely interested in understanding their perspective. Whenever you’re resisting whether it is what is going on right now, whether it’s boredom  impatience or frustration. If you can find a positive,instead of focussing on the negative it can help you let go of unnecessary expectations about  how the world has to work.

When you become more open in your ability to gain positives from life then you are more open to a fulfilling relationship experience.

Feelings

At the drop of a pin
The urges might win 
Race down my spine 
Feelings almost realigned 

Feel tingles, in my clef
Breathless, I am left 
Uttering your name 
Emotions untamed 

Grabbing your heart 
Entwining mine from the start
Submerged in the glow
Allowing the flow 

Between you and me 
What effect will it be
Music, cued begin
Head first into sin.

Text Snippets Word Crozzle. Early Conversation.

Jackson : Live in Italy at the moment. Did UK Belgium, NZ and Aus on my way here. Curse of the traveller.
Christine : Well so much world to see.
Jackson : Exactly.
Christine : However never managed NZ or Aus…yet anyway!Would love to visit Australia have a friend there. Did you just travel or work and travel?
Jackson : Worked inNZ and Aus.
Christine: Nice way to get a feel for places.
Jackson: Totally.
Christine: Hah just made a tactical error! Bum…playing and watching tv…
Christine: Thought you would use that space and slaughter me… phew! What are you interested in outside Crozzle?
Jackson: Sport sport sport sport… Oh and sport.
Christine: Laughing….you like sport….woooo…..l know very littlee about sport….but always interested to share in anothers passions……
Jackson : Oh sex too…..:)
Christine:1 am learning about golf at mo….a whole new vocabulary!! Lol
Jackson : It’s another passion 🙂
Christine: That would be sex or golf?
Jackson :  Not a golf fan….. Hate the culture. Love the sex culture though 😉
Christine :1 am just learning about the game…theoretically….never going to play…. What’s a sex culture?
Jackson : Just joking!
Christine: Please don’t  say s and m I spent the weekend having discussions about the story of o!
Jackson: No I just kidding. So you’re not into S&M? 🙂
Christine : Its ok…sex is high on most mens priorities..
Jackson: I’m just kidding. I know women don’t want to get tortured by horny men.
Christine : Personally no…I see sex as the giving and recieving of pleasure…and pleasure not pain!!
If S and M turns one on…its fine…consenting adults do what ever makes them happy….
Jackson: So pleasure is your thing.
Christine : Er yes….what else is it about.,…both to get and give.
Jackson : And how do you like to get?
Christine :Pleasure?Well usual sort of ways….foreplay…sex play …afterplay…maybe some fantasy….
Jackson : You married?
Christine :Yes..
Jackson : Always well behaved?
Christine: Define well behaved. 

Fantasy play….or is it passee?

What fantasy to play today

Does dominance hold its sway

Do rules and punishment, fit the bill

Or is that passee over the hill

Should I be the porno star

Draped Semi naked on a car

Does flaunting the body ,give the thrill

Or is it passee over the hill

The laundry maid in dress and cap

Cleaning, bending ,showing that gap

Will that blow job ,make u chill

Or is it passee over the hill

Will girls together hit the spot

Would you find it ,kind of hot

Could you rise and join the mill

Or is it passee over the hill

Shall we  sit and watch some porn

Then replicate it, till the morn

Would it  help increase our skill

Or is it passee over the hill

Should I be myself today

Just engage in normal play

Would you find it sweet and still

Or is it passee over the hill.

I want to give you a sexy day

Have you aroused in every way

Does fantasy play fit the bill

Or is it passee over the hill

It’s about our pleasure yours and mine

So nothings passee if inclined