A poems journey

This is a poem that I wrote then I documented the process of editing. 

Initial version.

The last holiday



A Georgian house Ivy clad

No haunted corners places of dread

Labyrinthine with added wings

Bright lofty rooms added zing
A chance to explore new places

Share some love, cement relations 

This holiday the first in years

A time for smiles not for tears
A Georgian house ivy clad

Haunted corners make people sad

Labyrinthine with added wings

Places  people get lost, find fears that sting
Mother leaves us but returns

Distraught, crying, in disarray

Her locket clasped tight in her hand 

Her lifeboat in this shenanigan
Lost and frightened she clung tight

To the memories in her locket bright.

First off  looking at use of rhyme in the poem, indirect rhymes italics and underlining.

So some poor rhyming choices..do I settle for indirect rhymes or rethink my rhyme structure?
clad – dread

wings – zings

places – relations

years – tears

clad – sad

wings – sting

returns –disarray

hand – shenigan

tight – bright

Further thoughts on the poem looking at tautology, oxymirons and the line layout.
A Georgian house Ivy clad

No haunted corners places of dread

I actually don’t like the end of this.

Labyrinthine with added  wings 

 I think better as  the second line would follow on better is labyrinthine too complicated?

Bright lofty rooms added zing 

syntax here and word choice

 

A chance to explore new places

Share some love, cement relations 

? relationships would be better

This holiday the first in years

A time for smiles not for tears

 wondering about this line

A Georgian house ivy clad

Haunted corners make people sad

 not sure about this wanted to make that connection with fright / sadness

Labyrinthine with added  wings.      

  again better as second line

Places  people get lost, find fears that sting.  

 That sting probably isn’t good

 

Mother angry, leaves  but soon returns

Distraught and crying, in disarray

Her locket clasped tight in her hand 

Her lifeboat in this  shenigan

 ok crap!!!!

 

Lost and frightened, she clung tight

to the memories in her locket bright

Too trite probably.
Re draft



We stayed in an ivy clad

 Georgian house 

Made Labyrinthine by

added wings

Full of big bright rooms

With comfy beds

This holiday the first joint

 one in years

A chance to explore new places

Share some love, cement relations 

A time for smiles no thought

of tears

Happy days, sun kissed, perfect

Hotel facilities well explored

Then the day, mother angry

left the dining table 

Returning later

Distraught, crying, in disarray

She was lost, couldn’t find her way

She had her locket clasped

 in her hand 

Her anchor it seemed in a world

she didn’t comprehend

The talisman she continued to hold dear

As dementia claimed her.
Further thoughts broken back to Stanzas



We stayed in an ivy clad

 Georgian house 

Made Labyrinthine by

added wings.              Bad word choice

Full of big bright rooms

With comfy beds
This holiday the first joint

 one in years

A chance to explore new places

Share some love, cement relations 

A time for smiles no thought

of tears
Happy days, sun kissed, perfect

Hotel facilities well explored

Then the day, mother angry

left the dining table 

Returning later

Distraught, crying, in disarray

She was lost, couldn’t find her way

She had her locket clasped

 in her hand 

Her anchor it seemed in a world

she didn’t comprehend
The talisman she continued to hold dear

As dementia claimed her
Next version



We stayed in an ivy clad

Georgian house 

A maze of a place 

Full of big bright rooms

With comfy beds

 

This holiday, the first 

 in years

A chance to explore new places

Share some love

renew relationships

A time for smiles no thought

of tears

 

Happy days, sun kissed, perfect

Then the day, mother was angry

left the dining table in a huff

Returning later distraught

crying, in disarray

She got lost, couldn’t find her way

She had her locket clasped

 in her hand 

Her anchor it seemed in a world

she didn’t comprehend

 

The talisman she continued to hold dear

As dementia claimed her later that year
This is short of imagary

Next version

Checking filler words, adjectives, adverbs, do the lines work? 



This holiday, the first in years

for Mother, Father and me 

the aim to relax, renew bonds 

strengthen our family voice

We stayed in an ivy clad  

Georgian house 

a maze of a place 

full of big bright rooms  

with comfy beds

set activities in the out-door space
Happy, sun kissed, perfect days

seeing moorlands, switchback hills

thatched farmhouses resting

in the crook of the land

sea and stunning vistas

visiting gothic cathedrals

Norman castles, history arresting

Memories to treasure
The clearest picture –

the day, mother  angry

left the dining table 

Returning crying, in disarray

unable to find her room

her locket clasped in  hand 

Her anchor in a world

she didn’t comprehend

 The talisman she held dear

even after dementia hclaimed her.
Looking at the stanzas and then the lines



We stayed in an ivy clad  

Georgian house 

a maze of a place 

big bright rooms  

with comfy beds, 

set activities in the out-door space

 

 

This holiday, the first in years

for Mother, Father and me 

 to renew bonds 

to strengthen our family voice

Not sure about this it could come out ..maybe it sets the scene but …
Happy days, sun kissed, perfect

moorlands, with switchback hills

thatched farmhouses nestling

in the crooks of  the land

visiting gothic cathedrals, 

Norman castles,

sea and vistas.

 

Then the day, mother  angry

left the dining table 

Returning crying 

unable to find her room 

her locket  clasped

 in her hand 

Her anchor  in a world

she didn’t comprehend

 

The talisman she continued to hold dear

As dementia claimed her, later that year

 Been looking at this in or out does it add value?
Next version



We stayed in an ivy clad  

Georgian house 

a maze of a place 

with bright rooms 

comfy beds

and activities in 

the garden

 

Happy days

moorlands

switchback hills

thatched farmhouses 

nestled 

in crooks of land

Gothic cathedrals

Norman castles

sea and vistas

Perfect
One day mother

angry 

left the dining table 

returned in tears

unable to find

the bedroom 

her locket clasped

in her hand 

an anchor in a world

she didn’t comprehend.

Thats where my edits have taken me thus far. Still not a finished poem. This is an approach for free verse  the approach for classical verse is slightly different it is the meeting of the form the scansion and the metre that are important. 
How do you edit yours?   


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