Category: humour

cutting edge design

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Cutting edge design?
If so it’s a crime,
I get.
The need to streamline,
To make everything compact,
To reduce weight, that’s a fact
I understand that first class,
gets the whizz,
But The smaller the space,
the more,
the design should fizz,
So why,
in economy class
on planes,
Do you feel a maniac has had the reins?
Paying less,

unimportant guest?

Why are the buttons, for recline
on the inside of the arm,
Is that fine design?
Unless you are stick thin
they are hard to reach,
Turn on your light,
Become a contortionist ,
balance on one cheek,
The remote for the screen,
again on the inside is seen,
Fudge about, to pull it out,
Twist and strain without a doubt.

Where are the instructions ,
for how it all works?
Where? For us less techno savvy burkes?
Even in economy plus, you need to limbo
When leaving your seat,
ok if a nimbo
With little space why a coat hook
Something more useful
would be better in my book!
Cutting edge design?
If so it’s a crime!

Samantha Beardon

The vagaries of health information

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I hear the news,

 I read the papers

The rules to good health

give me the vapours

Today red wine is good for the heart

Yesterday it was a poisoned dart

Fruit is in and then it’s out

Smoothies are good then

 there is doubt

So I try and try 

to follow the rules

Though I begin to think they 

are written by fools

I give up wine and drink more water

Eat healthy food, pass junk more

 than I oughta

I eat less meat and eat more beans

You can hear me coming 

if you know what I mean

Butters in then it’s out

My poor sober brain begins to doubt

I eat healthy food, I hardly drink

I exercise to reduce

 my bingo wings

It’s all so pointless I feel sad

When healthy living should 

make me glad

I drink more wine, I reduce the water

Read the news want to shoot the reporter

I am on the treadmill what the hell 

Just might just  have a Donut ,as well

I skip the news and censor the paper

I use common sense, maybe a ball breaker

I weigh myself and exercise 

A slim svelte body the ultimate prize

I drink more wine, I dance and sing

Join an exercise class for lots of ping

I weigh myself, I give it up

Throw the scales in the garbage truck.

Swimming

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Swimming today, getting some exercise,

Feeling smug, how could it be otherwise?

Dress in my costume, put on my clothes,

Pack a bag including swimming shoes.
Swimming shoes what an odd idea,

To help me swim better, oh no my dear,

The poolside is wet,  slippery like a rink,

Likely to fall on my arse, even with no drink.
In bare feet I slipped and nearly fell,

Going over backwards,would be just sheer hell,

Imagine the sound like a regular earthquake,

Bear in mind I am no small cupcake. 
So now my swimming outfit, is so sexily chic,

Till your eyes skim my legs and get to the feet,

Encased in natty blue neoprene very bright,

Maybe best viewed in the dark of the night.
As I saunter to the pool, my feet don’t slip,

They look particularly bizarre, I hope they might be hip,

Slipping into the pool, to begin my exercise,

Feeling smug, how could it be otherwise.

It started with a sniffle

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​It started with a sniffle

Then a little cough

Snuffles on my pillows

I didn’t give a toss
Suddenly I seemed much warmer

Then chills, up and down my spine

My nose started dripping

My mind was in decline
Then the mucus fairy

Waved her little wand

My chest filled up with mucus

Like filling up a pond
It seems my major airways

Had become a water trap

I started coughing noisily

Couldn’t shift the crap
I found I couldn’t lay down

And even sitting up

My chest made this weird music

Like screech, whistle, dup dup.
My sniffle is a water fall

My cough spasmodic gunk

I feel pretty miserable

I look more goth than punk
I wonder how to tempt

That sweet fairy into the light

I just would like to catch her

Share some of my delight!!

Golf

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​Golf a new sport to try

Learn some new skills to satisfy

Learn to hit  a ball with a club

How difficult can it be, unless I hit the scrub

Stand relaxed and swing from the hips

Practice the move, heck have to be a contortionist 

Ready to try, they said go to tee

 Not the drink I expected, but a plastic dinkie

Now I am worried, is golf really kinky

Is this T motorised and kind of pinky?
I take up my stance and swing at the ball

Manage to hit it no trouble at all

Just heard a comment that’s got up my nose

I know I am no vision in these odd clothes

But to mention my flanks is beyond the pale

They tried to change it to shanks, hah a likely tale

Some talk of an iron

Is it forefits to frighten?

If they bring out their smalls 

They can keep their balls
Ah, now somebody just got a birdy

Thats really too much

Killing helpless creatures, that’s so out of touch

I think all this perversion

Is too much for me, is there another version

Maybe I just need a strong cup of tea.

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