Oasis in Time

We are strangers, connected by the Internet, combining life and fantasy.
Although familiarity, knowing  the other, is becoming more a reality.
We touch bases sharing our lives, or the parts we want to share, maybe a swiz. 
Our time is spent, in banter, in play, in idle chat, in sexy  innuendo,adding fizz.
How much is real, how much dream, is this relationship what it seems?
That feeling of connection; seems so real, I fear it is, mostly  a dream.
Will we ever meet? My hope my wish. It will never happen, it’s not in life’s scheme.
We share a window, connected in time
A little oasis, ours for a short time.
It is enough.

New Love

Newly met
Learning yet
Thunder rumbles
Lightening strikes
Urges rising
Thinking alike
Pouring down wild and wet
Getting all ready getting set
Unexpected newly directed
Thoroughly affected
Passion takes hold unrestrained
Nothing about this can be tamed
Mind pictures set the flame
Until the lust peaks and wanes

Watching each other

He sends her a video showing
His angles of arousal growing
He is stroking his treasure
In front of a video, of her, having pleasure
The sight of the two bodies writhing
Sends her pulses of desire, flying
Peering at his need, she longs to touch him
Feeling the beginnings of that tug within
This superimposed ballet she finds arousing
She finds her inner being shouting
Every move calculated and measured
Her need to explore, to be pleasured
The sight of him, watching her, tips her off balance
Seeing his hot, erect, pulsating phallus
They begin to move in unison, rhythmically as one
The avalanche of tingles is about to come undone
They know they have reached their passionate peak
Together, apart unable to speak
With waves of wonder wielding its power

Sharing our hidden thoughts or experiences with a partner.

Life sometimes teaches us, it is best, or easiest, to keep aspects of our past or other issues from our partners. Some things we may never reveal so maybe an important part of us stays hidden. We may also feel uncomfortable in sharing parts of a partners life, that hasn’t been shared previously, things from childhood or old loves, old relationships  emotional feelings.

In order to be open and honest, the relationship has to feel safe and supportive. Buried issues, feelings of inadequacy, stories of good times with others can only be shared to a partner who will listen and not judge; who will not use the information shared spitefully in the future.

Revealing aspects of ourselves that we normally keep hidden, and exploring them with a partner, is true intimacy.

Trust. What is it it’s meaning within a relationship?

Trust is an important part relationships.

But actually what is trust and what is it in relation, to relationships?

Definition of trust in English:noun[MASS NOUN]

1Firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something:relations have to be built on trust, they have been able to win the trust of the others. OxfordDictionaries.com

But what exactly is trust?

Is it the expectations we put on our partners the boundaries we lay down explicitly or implicitly …if you cross that line, if you do something I don’t  want you to do,  then my trust has been undermined.

Is this trust? Or is this a means of control making the other work to our values our judgements even if their values are different.

My opinion is that trust is having the faith, that your partner will do their best in every circumstance.  They will try to stay true to their values and  beliefs and make the best judgements they can.

They may sometimes fail, you may sometimes wish they had behaved differently but you view their choices openly and discuss them in a non judgemental manner.

Trust is enabling your partner to do the best they can using their own values, not trying to enact yours.

If your values are different, if your moral codes are poles apart if you have to set boundaries in order to trust maybe you are with the wrong partner.

The only boundaries you can set and maintain are ones applicable to yourself.

What do you think?

Meeting needs in a relationship. Whose responsibility?

Do you think it’s  the responsibility of your significant other to meet your needs?

If so which?

Physical,psychological,social, sexual,actualisation, financial.

Who met those needs before you were a couple?

If you split up with your partner and they meet all your needs, you are adrift rudderless in the pit of despair.

Why does it become the partner’s responsibility, and should it?

Through life, we should take responsible for meeting our own needs,  to abdicate that responsibility can potentially make us needy, or in extreme circumstances make us open to abuse. Also  bitter and unhappy if we see our perceived needs not being met.

Our partners may want to share in meeting our needs as we do theirs and that becomes part of a fulfilled happy evolving relationship.

But expectation that our needs should be met by our partner and they should be so in tune with us, that they know, exactly  what needs to meet, when, are doomed to cause us disappointment.

Another nail in keeping your relationship alive and dynamic.

Relationships. Replacing limiting behaviours.

We enter into a relationship as an independent individual who chooses to spend time with another independent individual. Then suddenly the couple identity takes over, it’s not cool to do things separately we become  bound together, to such a degree that sometimes, one member of the partnership, will not make decisions without referring to the other. Whilst it’s true that some decisions need to be consensual, partners should also be free to make their own choices.
Our lives should not revolve round our partners, to the degree that we obsess about what they are doing, when they are not with us. We should not worry about who they are talking to, what is motivating them. We should not imprison them in a relationship but rather set them free to continue to grow and develop. A true partnership in a relationship gives each individual freedom. 
Where there is a loving, nurturing, relationship allowing each partner, to freely grow and develop as life evolves. Then that relationship will be happy and healthy and continually evolving too.

Instead of bringing limiting behaviours into our relationships we need to bring expansive behaviours

Each individual needs to recognise that no other person can be responsible for another’s happiness, this has to come from within. People can journey alongside and enhance the feelings of happiness, but cannot take responsibility for another’s happiness.

Individuals understand that their partners enhance them, they do not complete them,  they are already complete. If they feel incomplete they need to work on that and not use a partner as a crutch.

Each individual is responsible for their own decisions,choices, beliefs and judgements.

Partners understand  that being in a relationship is a choice  both make.

Partners celebrate, having their unique partner, in their lives.

Each individual supports the development needs, of the other. Even if this feels like a stressful thing to do.

Partners stay grounded and find time together even at the busiest times.

Each individual tries to be objective in their vision of themselves and their partner accepting the other as they are.

Partners talk to each other and share, values, news and issues non judgementally.

The relationship is a safe loving space for self discovery.

There is a space for independence as well as togetherness.

Adopting such strategies and ditching limiting strategies can give you the relationship you always craved for.  Fulfilling,  happy, harmonious both partners feeling that life is getting better rather than stale and boring.
If that is your relationship congratulations, keep working at it.
If your relationship is static or deteriorating then you need to start to make some changes in how you think and interact.

Limiting behaviours in Relationships.

New relationship ,wow exciting, major interaction  validation, on a high,  sexual tension. Feeling special don’t  need anything more.

Established relationship, life moves on less interaction,  less validation, less excitement less sexual tension. Still a loving partner but they are no longer fulfilling all your needs.Or are they beginning to irritate the hell out of you  cease to meet your expectations.

What training have you had for making a successful relationship?
Likely scenarios are: 
Observing your parents? Their friends? Watching films? Reading a book? Reading magazine articles. Watching TV.
Do any of these things really enable us to form healthy happy relationships, or are we groping in the dark? Do you think there is no issue if you love somebody then things can’t  go wrong.

This basis for a  relationship is unstable,  and we  try to establish some foundations maybe with rules and agreements,  explicit, informal, or unspoken. We think that if we lay down the right foundations  in the beginning, we’ll be able to keep the early romantic lustre and our partners will keep validating us and meeting all our needs. Unfortunately that might well not be the case.

What assumptions about relationships did you and your partner bring into your relationship? Are you even aware of the biases you hold?

Rules, agreements and assumptions = Expectations.

Expectations, spoken or unspoken can cause major harm to a relationship,  expectations about behaviour, friends, sharing of chores, roles, sex. You can add to this list.

Expectations and assumptions can cause us to exhibit limiting behaviours.

Here are a few limiting behaviours within a relationship how many can you tick?

We discourage our partners from trying new things, if they don’t appeal to us.A  new opportunity might leave us behind, and they might  find something more exciting, than we are offering.

We stop fully listening because we think we have heard it all before.

We assign blame to our partner when we think they are not meeting our needs.

We get embarrassed or angry if our partner speaks or acts in a way that we feel reflects badly on us.

We use blackmail techniques to ensure our partner meets our expectations  be it manipulation, anger, or making them feel guilty.

We become jealous if our partner gives attention to others, especially has conversations with somebody of the opposite sex.

We are quick to blame,  criticise and judge,  and jump to conclusions.

We become irritated and angry if our partner behaves in ways we consider inappropriate.Particularly if we think this behaviour devalues us.

We stop finding quality time to spend with our partner.

We belittle our partner often in company.

We are indifferent to our partners, thoughts and actions, we cease nurturing their dreams. We may even discourage them.

All these behaviours can cause a partner to withdraw into themselves, become less open and show us only what we want to see. As the relationship changes, becomes less loving, more based on fear of change . We presume that this is the nature of relationships, decline is inevitable, more often than not. This is what we have  seen,  relationships that have grown apart. This is  often the model we have been immersed into.

Do you use any of the above?
Are you squeezing the life out  of what was a good partnership?
Is this the behaviour of your partner?
Is there a way to replace limiting behaviours?
Of course there are ways and if you have identified relationship limiting issues, you have started the journey. See the next article for replacement behaviours to regain a more balanced relationship.

Assumptions in relationships. Snippet 2

The knowledge shared, about the each other , by partners is one of the most wonderful aspects of a close, long-term relationship. It is an issue , though, when we begin to think we know everything about our partner. We make assumptions about what they are thinking  and fail to see the progressive changes, as they, like us continually grow and develop. We then interact on a faulty premise which can harm the the long term viability of the relationship.